I'll love you if you incest
by Ghouse89
Summary: Stan mistakenly convinces Steve that his life is turning out like the Oedipus Rex, which is totally off mark...or is it? Also, Roger makes a startling resolution about his death
1. Chapter 1

_Here it is; the American Dad fic! Which is a counter part to my Family Guy fic 'The Queen and I' and also a prelude to my X-over 'American Guy' fic…I hate exposition. Anyway, even though it actually has nothing to do with the Family Guy fic, it's just a way for me to flex my funny and preview it as well. The American Dad show that I know and love uses edgy, racy humor and I tried to replicate that, hence the discomfiting, slightly offensive plotline to purposely make the reader uneasy. Enjoy!...or don't. Writing in script form may be tedious, for both the reader and writer—believe me—but I feel that this could work if you gave it a chance. It helps to visualize that you're actually watching the show._

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

[**EXT**: _**The Smith Family House at night**_]  
[**INT**: _**Klouse is in the kitchen with Francine who's setting the table for dinner**_]

**Klaus**: Oooo, Francine, your dinner spread looks delectable.  
**Francine**: Thank you, Klouse. It's nice to know my efforts are appreciated. (_**Sighs**_) If only Stan would compliment me this much.  
**Klaus**: Oh Francine, that oaf, he does not deserve you. But I know one who does. Yes, Francine, it is I. I who deem you as having the face of an angel and body of a goddess. You don't know how long I've been mustering the courage to speak to you, to tell you how I feel. Please tell me that you feel the same way too?  
**Francine**: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry Klouse. It seems that I lost concentration when you started pouring your soul out. Come again?  
**Klaus**: (_Sniffing sadly_) I was just saying that I would like some food now.  
(_Stan comes in_)  
**Stan**: Hey, honey.  
**Francine**: Stan! How was your day?  
**Stan**: Well it mostly involved top secret stuff, so I guess it's okay if I talk about it.  
**Klaus**: (_**Excitedly**_) Oooo, oooo, did you find out that two hot but married CIA operatives were having an affair with each other and you decide to blackmail them for it?  
**Stan**: …No  
**Klaus**: …You're job blows.  
**Stan**: The guys at the office entrusted me with keeping a serum that has certain potential properties and side effects when taken in by people, all of which are classified.  
**Francine**: Serum? I don't know about this, Stan. What if it's dangerous and what if the kids get their hands on it?  
**Stan**: Don't worry Francine; it's disguised as a bottle of beer.  
**Francine**: A bottle of beer? Couldn't they have chosen something a bit more inconspicuous?  
**Stan**: Francine, what is this; twenty questions?...cuz I'm pretty sure you're playing it wrong.  
(_**Hayley comes in followed by Steve**_)  
**Hayley**: Mom, I cannot take this anymore! Tell Steve to stay out of my life!  
**Francine**: What's going on?  
**Hayley**: He keeps bugging me and making my life a living hell!  
**Steve**: Hey, that's not true! All I did was write a poem about how much I miss our brother-sister bond.  
**Hayley**: You used my FAVORITE RED LIPSTICK TO WRITE IT!  
**Steve**: So that you could feel that it meant something. Also that particular color conveyed my feelings about it.  
**Hayley**: Well, that's gonna be the color of the liquid coming out of you if you don't leave me alone!  
**Stan**: Steve, stop writing poems! It's only acceptable if you're pursuing a gullible girl or attempting to come out of the closet.  
**Steve**: But Dad, how do I get rid of all this excess emotion that wells up inside of me sometimes?  
**Stan**: You could punch someone…preferably someone who writes poems.  
(_Roger walks in_)  
**Roger**: Oh Frannie, thank God you're here. Your little womb pellets have been bickering like most couples who find out a year into the marriage that the sex isn't a good enough reason for getting hitched.  
**Francine**: (_**Adamantly**_) Don't worry, Roger; they were just about to make up.  
**Roger**: No, I don't want them to stop; I just want them kept away from me as they argue. I figure that if any of them dies in a fight to the death, I could move out of the attic and have the dead persons stuff. If anyone wants me, I'll be online picking out a mattress for my new room. (_He walks out_)  
**Klaus**: There's something wrong with that one. I just can't put my finger on it…because I have no fingers. If I had fingers, I'd put one on his head…I bet that's where the problem is.  
**Steve**: I'm not gonna apologize for trying to do a kind yet subtly creepy thing for my sister!  
**Hayley**: I'm not gonna apologize for hating that you did it! Y'know what, I'm not hungry anymore! (_She walks out angrily_)  
**Steve**: Oooh, what a cheap shot at achieving dramatic effect, Hayley! In fact, it…(_he starts sniffing and his voice wavers_) it just makes me wanna cry!  
**Stan**: Sorry son, but your girlish breakdown isn't working. Hayley's storm off has you beat.  
**Steve**: What if I were to threaten to, umm…to, uh, go upstairs and kill myself?  
**Stan**: There you go!  
**Steve**: Awesome! (_He runs upstairs_)  
**Francine**: Stan! Don't you think you should go talk to your children?  
**Stan**: Don't worry Francine, I'm sure they'll work this out by themselves. Besides, get between Hayley and Steve? I'd rather have people wait on me hand and foot while I watch a whole day of sports.  
**Francine**: What?...you just said that you'd rather do something enjoyable. You're supposed to say that you'd rather do something that sounds just as bad as what you _should_ be doing.  
**Stan**: Why would I say that? Why would I run from doing something bad to doing something else that's bad, when I could be having fun? I like fun. What're you, some sort of fun Nazi?  
**Francine**: Just go talk to your kids, Stan.  
**Stan**: (_**Gets up**_) Fine. But I'm not talking to Hayley. Y'know, in case she decides to segue into a one way conversation about lady things. Or liberal things. Or even worse- lady liberal things!  
**Klaus**: What are 'lady liberal things'?  
**Stan**: I have no idea. (_**Grimly**_) And let's keep it that way. (_He walks out_)  
**Francine**: (_**Sighs**_) Looks like yet another dinner ruined by family Smith. I'll get the large book with the tallies. (_She also leaves the kitchen_)  
**Klaus**: Finally, she's gone. Now I can pretend to fart…Ohhh yeah!...is vhat I would say in relief…if I could fart and if I just did.

(_**Stan walks up to Steve's room door**_)  
**Stan**: Steve, it's me. Open up.  
**Steve**: Go away! I'm trying to be as hurt as Hayley.  
**Stan**: (_**Sighs**_) Fine. (_Walks back a couple of steps then approaches the door again and knocks, using a lighter voice to talk_) Hey Steve, open up. It's me, Jennifer Lopez.  
**Steve**: (_Quickly opens the door but sees that it's Stan_) Aww, man! That's the fifth time you got me with that!  
**Stan**: (_Follows Steve inside his room_) Look Steve, I know that this must be a confusing time for you, what with your body going through changes and-  
**Steve**: Dad, I am not going through puberty!  
**Stan**: What? Then why the hell are you acting like a douchebag?!  
**Steve**: I'm not trying to, it's just…I just feel that Hayley and I haven't really been close in a long time like we used to. Aaah, the good times…  
**Stan**: Okay look, if you wanna have your little flashback montage thingy, then go ahead. But I have to warn you, it'll just be filled with bad memories.  
**Steve**: No it won't! Watch…  
(_Steve flashes back to all the times that Hayley was mean to him—sticking his head in the toilet, putting itching powder on his clothes, and planting a dead body in his bed before calling the cops on him_)  
**Steve**: Oh God, Dad, you were right!  
**Stan**: Told you so.  
**Steve**: Oh man! I guess that I'm reaching out to Hayley now, because…we've never had any real bond.  
**Stan**: I don't think so. Based on fuzzy memories of a play that your mother dragged me to, I think your problems are more psychological.  
**Steve**: What do you mean?  
**Stan**: You're clearly displaying the complexity in Oedipus Rex. You want to kill your father and marry your mother.  
**Steve**: What! NO! Eeeew!  
**Stan**: Don't worry, your mother and I have never really been there for you. So, Roger who is your older, I-think-male friend and confidant is your father figure while your nagging, fun-killing, put-downer mother? Sounds like Hayley to me.  
**Steve**: What am I gonna do?  
**Stan**: Don't worry, I have an idea.  
**Steve**: Oh, thanks Dad! (_Steve runs to hug him, but Stan pulls a gun on him_)  
**Stan**: Get away, father killer! ...(_He calms down and puts the gun back_) Sorry Steve, you can never be too sure. (_He walks out of the room leaving a sad Steve behind just as Roger peeps inside the door_)  
**Roger**: (**Angrily**) What the hell?! Why haven't the two of you faced-off yet?! You're killing me Steve, you're killing me! Why're you killing me? Why do you want, to _kill me_, Steve?... (**Deadpanned**) Feel free to interpret that however you want. You can take it out of context and, y'know, fit it into a predicament that you may be facing at the moment. (_He leaves_)  
**Steve**: (_**To himself, worriedly**_) Oh, God! Dad was right! Roger thinks he's dying because of me and I've been subliminally wooing Hayley!  
**Roger**: (_Peeks into the room again_) Oh yeah Steve, I forgot to ask—when Hayley dispatches you, what kind of theme would you want for your funeral? I told the mortician to use 'Star Wars'…Is 'Star Wars' okay? Hmm? You want a 'Star Wars' theme, champ?  
**Steve**: …(**Flatly**) Yes please.  
**Roger**: Too bad cuz we're not doing that. (He leaves)

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]


	2. I'll love you if you incest chap 2

[**EXT**: _**A comic book store at downtown Langley**_]  
[**INT**: _**Stan, Hayley and Steve walk into the store**_]

**Hayley**: What the hell are we doing here?  
**Stan**: Relax, Hayley. You and Steve are going to bond, even if it takes all day.  
**Hayley**: Why do we need to bond again?  
**Stan**: To turn the anger and strife between the two of you into a wholesome brother sister relationship by spending time in each other's worlds, y'know, before it turns to unresolved oedipal sexual tension.  
**Hayley**: …What?!  
**Stan**: —Jennifer. So, the key is to step into each other's worlds.  
**Hayley**: Step into each other's worlds? No offense Dad, but I can masturbate and act like a dork at home.  
**Steve**: Whoa, whoa, whoa, she…she got me.  
**Stan**: C'mon Hayley, I know you think that comics are crude and vile but they're an important part of American culture.  
**Hayley**: (_**Sighs**_) I suppose you read comics, huh?  
**Stan**: Only one sweetie; Archie comics. Oooo, look there's one over there! (_He picks off the rack and flips through it_) Aaahhh, having a dimwit best friend, being good looking despite freckles, two timing a blonde and a brunette—that's how to be an American teenager.  
**Hayley**: Or it's what corporate America wants us to think being a teenager is all about! Their influence is clearly seen even in the basest form of literature, urging kids to fight for ideals at all costs; to be slaves for a cause they know nothing about but blindly follow!  
**Stan**: …What?  
**Hayley**: I-I don't know. Sometimes I black out and randomly burble liberal garbage.  
**Steve**: If you want me, I'll be looking at chick superheroes' boobs. (_He walks away_)  
**Stan**: And I'll go with him! For the bonding and also because that She-Hulk's a looker I tell ya! Have fun, honey! (_He goes after Steve_)  
**Hayley**: Uggh! What did I ever do to deserve this! (_Moments later, two unkempt looking kids that are squinting and hunched over, approach her_)  
**Jim**: Oh my God, Ricky, look; it's a girl!  
**Ricky**: But…they're myths! …Or…are they?  
**Hayley**: Wow, this place is chalked full of dorks.  
(_She walks away from the boys at the same time that a couple comes to stand by them_)  
**Melinda**: This was a horrible idea, Lenny! I can't believe I let you talk me into keeping the kids locked in an underground dungeon till they turned sixteen and then bringing them into civilization all of a sudden! You suck!  
**Lenny**: Shut up, Linda; _you_ suck!

(_**Hayley goes up to the entrance when a SWAT team bursts through the windows brandishing guns and blocking her way**_)  
**Hayley**: What-what the hell is this?  
**SWAT leader**: Sorry, Ms. Smith; we can't let you leave.  
**Hayley**: Let me guess; my dad put you up to this, right?  
**SWAT leader**: Well, yes but, we needed to make a comic run anyway. (_Shouting to his team_) Listen up! Anything with 'Spider-Man', 'Avengers' and 'Superman' on it is mine! Go, go, go!  
**Hayley**: Y'know what; forget it! I'm out of here! (_She tries to walk out but gets shot twice by the SWAT leader and she falls to the floor, making Stan and Steve rush to the scene_)  
**Steve**: Oh no, Hayley!  
**Stan**: Good Lord, you killed my daughter! I order you to sleep with my wife and make me another!  
**SWAT leader**: Don't worry sir; it's a high impact paint gun. She's only stunned. (_One of the men rushes up to them_)  
**SWAT member**: But sir, after paintball we switched them out for the real ones. (_Steve and Stan gasp_) …Oh wait, we switched them back. (_Steve and Stan sigh in relief_) ...Wait, but then we switched back to real ones to shoot at those immigrants. (_Steve and Stan gasp_) …Oh yeah, we switched them back to the paint guns. (_Steve and Stan sigh in relief_) …But wait, we switched the paint pellets for real bullets when agent Smith called us. (_Steve and Stan gasp_) …Oh, I remember; we switched 'em back to paint pellets cause they're more fun (_Steve and Stan sigh in relief_) My bad, sir. (_He walks away_)  
**SWAT leader**: I apologize for my sergeant. He can be a bit over dramatic. Funny thing is, it was part of the requirements to be a soldier when he signed on.  
**Stan**: I totally get it. In the 1950's, CIA agents were fully expected to be able to "follow dance routines" when their superiors "inexplicably burst in to song".  
(_The two disheveled boys and their parents approach Hayley's unconscious body_)  
**Ricky**: Mommy, what's wrong with that girl?  
**Jim**: Is this that thing called 'Death' that you were trying to explain to us?  
**Lenny**: No, kids. If you want to see something that's dead, then all you have to do is consider Mommy and Daddy's sex life!  
**Jim**: What's sex?  
**Melinda**: Something that your Daddy can do excellently with every other woman except Mommy! You suck, Lenny!  
**Lenny**: Shut up, Mel; _you_ suck!...in this case actually, the fact that you 'don't suck' is the problem.

[**EXT**: _**The Smith House**_]  
[**INT**: _**Francine is watching T.V with Klouse when Roger comes downstairs holding a magazine**_]

**Roger**: Oh, thank God you're here, Frannie! I am absolutely stuck on what to use for Steve's epitaph when Hayley murders him in warm green ooze. (_Francine glares at him_) Oh, oh, sorry, sorry; I meant cold blood. Just remembered which planet I'm on.  
**Francine**: Nobody's killing anyone, Roger. And planning for Steve's burial is extremely insensitive.  
**Roger**: Don't worry Francine, that's the 'denial' kicking in; right on cue too. It says so right here in "Death Monthly" magazine. (_He holds it up for her to see_)  
**Francine**: "Death Monthly"?  
**Roger**: I know; a magazine that, just like you I thought was a bit over the top to ever exist. Hey, is it okay if I bring a couple of friends over? I think it's okay, since I am doing most of the work. Also, can we cremate him in the oven?  
**Francine**: (_**Angrily**_) Over my dead body, Roger!  
**Roger**: Hey, hey, whoa! Hold it there, McJealous Pants! "Over _your_ dead body"? This is Steve's burial, not Francine's! Let's not make this about ourselves, shall we?  
(_At that moment, Hayley comes storming in with Steve and Stan right behind her_)  
**Hayley**: I cannot believe you two!  
**Stan**: Hayley, what's wrong?  
**Steve**: Yeah, what'd we do?  
**Hayley**: What'd you do wrong? I take you in to the forest, to appreciate nature, to be thankful for the delicate balance it has amongst the wildlife—and you try to hunt the animals!  
**Steve**: Wait, it wasn't a hunting trip? Dad told me it was!  
**Hayley**: Dad!  
**Stan**: C'mon Hayley, if it wasn't a hunting trip, then why did you tell us to bring guns and hunting gear?  
**Hayley**: I didn't!  
**Stan**: Oh, Well then it must've been that voice inside my head that tells me to kill everything that I see. (_Everyone stares at him in shock_) …What? It doesn't want to kill you guys…yet.  
**Francine**: So, I guess you guys' day together was a tiny bit off track, huh?  
**Hayley**: It was horrible Mom! Tell them to stay away from me!  
**Stan**: Hey, we had good intentions to a point!  
**Steve**: Yeah! I'm just trying to connect with my sister, like those ponies from Avatar.  
**Hayley**: Mom! Steve just compared me to alien horse on a fictional planet!  
**Francine**: Steve, you know better than to break House rule number seven. And Stan, what were you thinking, allowing Steve to handle guns at his age?  
**Stan**: Seriously Francine, what harm could a young socially outcast loner like Steve do with the power of a gun in his hands?  
**Roger**: (_Reading from his magazine_) Wow, it says in this magazine—which is not you guys' boring conversation—that the Dreamcaster 3000 coffin has the massaging mechanism of a lazy boy for your neck and back! And did you know that dead people didn't pay taxes? I did not know that dead people didn't pay taxes!  
**Hayley**: …I need a drink. (_She walks into the kitchen_)  
**Francine**: Y'see, Stan? You made Hayley angry!  
**Stan**: Why're you blaming me? It could be her period's fault…that thing's a meanie.  
**Roger**: (_Still reading from the magazine_) Amazing! Did you guys know that the Pharaohs were buried in their pyramids with all their earthly possession, so they could take them to the afterlife? I did not know that! I'm learning and having fun! At the same time! I thought you could only do one or the other! And I didn't know the pyramids were tombs; I thought they were poor representations of women's breasts!  
**Klaus**: Hmm. That _would_ explain why the pyramids are lopsided.  
**Francine**: Steve, I don't want you and Hayley fighting. Go into that kitchen right now and apologize.  
**Steve**: (_**Sulkily**_) Fine.

(_**He walks into the kitchen after Hayley**_)  
**Steve**: Hey Turdface, Mom forced me to come and apologize to… (_He suddenly notices that Hayley is passed out on the floor—with the Stan's beer bottle from the CIA, which is empty_) Oh my God, Hayley! (_He rushes over to her and kneels down beside her_) Hayley, are you alright? Hayley, wake up!  
**Hayley**: (_Groans and her eyes flutter open slowly as she sits up_) …What…what happened?  
**Steve**: (_**Relieved**_) Thank God! You fell and hit your head, I think. Are-are you okay?  
**Hayley**: (_**Seductively**_) I'm more than okay, handsome.  
**Steve**: Handsome?  
**Hayley**: (_Puts a hand on his chest_) Wow, you are so firm! And your lankiness is sexy.  
**Steve**: Umm…weren't you just mad at me now?  
**Hayley**: Was I? I could never stay mad at you, Stevey.  
**Steve**: Stevey?!  
**Hayley**: How bout we go to my room and you can check me for bumps that I may have gotten when I fell?  
**Steve:** Hayley, are you…are you coming onto me? I'm your brother!  
**Hayley**: I am, aren't I? Here's how you can reprimand me (_She leans over and whispers in his ear_)  
**Steve:** (_**Dryly**_) Hmm. So this is how it feels to be turned on and revolted at the same time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx 


	3. I'll love you if you incest chapter 3

[**EXT**: _**The Smith House**_]  
[**INT**: _**Stan, Francine and Klaus are in the Living room with Steve who's explaining something to them**_]

**Steve**: –and so that's it. She probably bumped her head on something yesterday when she fell, and now she's acting like she's in love with me!  
**Stan**: That's impossible! The hillbilly genes in both your mother and I are recessive, not dominant.  
**Francine**: Steve, you're obviously imagining things. Hayley is more likely to be just trying to finally make a connection. The one that you've been wanting all this while.  
**Steve**: Yeah, but I didn't have cuddling in mind when I was trying! …Okay, maybe just a little, but this one has oodles of what I think is that urban legend that I've only heard about—y'know, sexual tension.  
**Stan**: Steve, yesterday Hayley was mad at you and today, she just wants to spoon? I say run with it; you got lucky.  
**Steve**: Guys, I'm serious! This is a real emergency!  
**Stan**: (_**Adamantly**_) Steve, I'll believe you when pigs fly! And since this isn't a cartoon and I don't expect any accurately cued pigs flying past a window I'm not looking at, I can safely say never'!  
(_**Just then Hayley comes in holding a board game box, walks up to Steve and kisses him on the cheek.**_)  
**Hayley**: Hey, babe. Look what I got us (_She hands him the board game box._)  
**Steve**: "Adult Monopoly"? This game is for ages 18 and above!  
**Klaus**: Oh, I've played that before. When you go to jail and stay there too long, you get raped, and have to use the rape piece to play from then on.  
**Hayley**: And instead of houses and hotels, it's crack houses and brothels. I was thinking we could play…just the two of us?  
**Steve**: Uh, sorry Hayley but, uh…I'm gonna be…umm, doing non-incestuous stuff.  
**Hayley**: Fine! How come you don't want to spend time with me? What's wrong?  
**Steve**: With me? No, nothing's wrong. Now if you don't mind, I'm just gonna do something that Mom said I should do, which I wasn't going to but will now because I'm totally freaking out.  
**Hayley**: (_**Huskily**_) Listening to what Mom says is soooo sexy.  
**Steve**: Gee, um…thanks?  
**Klaus**: (_**Laughing**_) Wow! Here we come, Jerry Springer!  
**Hayley**: I'm gonna go take a shower for the next fifteen minutes. Feel free to join me. (_She goes up the stairs_)  
**Stan**: …Huh. You guys sure play "House" a lot differently than we did as kids.  
**Steve**: Please tell me you guys saw that!  
**Francine**: (_**Worriedly**_) Stan, I think Steve may be onto something. Hayley was acting a bit strange toward him.  
**Stan**: Aww c'mon, no she wasn't! And even if she was, I'm sure it's just a phase –like growing a moustache or having a period.  
**Steve**: (_**Sighs**_) Well, if you guys won't believe me, then I'm going to hide at a friend's. Tell Hayley that our dinner date is cancelled. (_He walks out_)  
**Francine**: Okay, Stan something is really going on. You need to confront Hayley and find out what's making her act like this.  
**Stan**: Why don't you confront her? She came from your womb, not mine!  
**Francine**: You know me, Stan; confrontation gets me all jumpy.  
**Stan**: Look, honey, even if I wanted to, I can't. I have to take that beer bottle that's not really beer, back to CIA headquarters. You remember the bottle?…the one we thought wasn't going to be a part of this never ending adventure we call our lives? Looks like we were right. Now, if you'll excuse me… (_He walks into the kitchen_)  
**Francine**: (_**To herself**_) Oh, that Stan; trying to get me to confront people. Fine, then. I will. Just have to find my tools.  
**Klaus**: Is that…really such a good idea Francine? I mean, Hayley's your daughter! Plus, you don't want all that court mandated therapy you had to have, go to waste, do you?  
**Francine**: Hey, that guy who kept stealing our paper deserved it!... (_**Dryly**_) Thank God he was coincidentally a hardcore masochist and didn't press charges. I could've gone away for a long time.  
**Klaus**: I know. I was there.  
(_**Just then Stan comes back from the kitchen with the empty beer bottle in hand**_)  
**Stan**: (_**Angrily**_) Francine, what the hell is this?!  
**Francine**: That's not a very encouraging tone to get me to play charades with you, Stan.  
**Stan**: Who cares about charades? The beer bottle from the CIA is empty! Who the hell drank what was in it?!...and then for some reason, put it back in the fridge?!  
**Klaus**: I would say my gut is telling me that it was Hayley, but fish have really tiny guts, which have low self esteem because of how tiny zey are, so I can't really be sure.  
**Francine**: Oh God Stan, you think that maybe Klaus' intestines are right? That Hayley drank that?  
**Stan**: Well we know that it wasn't any of us. And it wasn't Roger cause he's too busy…doing… And it definitely wasn't Steve because underage kids never want to prove that they're cool by taking alcohol. That's just common knowledge.  
**Francine**: So it was Hayley!  
**Stan**: At least now we know what the serum does—it makes you incestuous!  
**Francine**: …Uuuhh, I don't know, I thought that it made you fall in love with the first person you see or something like that. I mean, isn't it more likely that the CIA made a love potion than one that makes you incestuous?  
**Stan**: With the CIA, you never know. Maybe they planned to give it to the terrorists.  
**Klaus**: What would that do?  
**Stan**: I don't know…maybe make the terrorist guys feel weirded out when it wears off?  
**Francine**: That _does_ sound worth our tax dollars.

(_**Roger suddenly screams out for help and they all rush up to the attic, where they see that he's in no danger and wearing a Pharaoh's headdress**_)  
**Stan**: (_**Frantically**_) Roger, what happened?!  
**Roger**: Sorry; nothing's wrong. I fake screamed to get you guys up here. I'm like the boy who cried wolf…except _I_ get a slight sexual thrill from doing it. Or maybe he did too; who knows why that sick bastard really started this shtick?  
**Francine**: Why the hell did you get us up here?  
**Roger**: It's because I have news that I'd like to…wait a minute (_He sniffs the air around him_) What the hell smells like incest?  
**Stan**: What the…how do you know about that?  
**Roger**: My people are able to smell the pheromones that the body secretes when someone settles for the 'familiar white meats', pun intended.  
**Stan**: Really?  
**Roger**: …Ahahahahah! NO! God! No, I saw Hayley hitting on Steve last night. It was like watching someone tell a sensitive girl that her ass is fat in slow motion…which interestingly enough, I have done by the way. Doesn't live up to the hype.  
**Stan**: (_**Angrily**_) You saw it happening and you didn't say anything?!  
**Roger**: What's with the shout? I thought you guys knew.  
**Francine**: (_**Angrily**_) And you thought that we'd be okay with it?!  
**Roger**: Seriously, I do not know which bad childhood memories you guys are channeling all that rage from that's making you shout like this.  
**Francine**: Roger!  
**Roger**: What? It does solve both of your problems, doesn't it? You don't have to worry about Hayley being a slut and not settling down anymore and you can finally get a nice, real girl for Steve. (_Leans forward to whisper to Stan_) But be careful; I heard that girl you got for Steve is a slut who doesn't want to settle down. Not sure that she's real either.  
**Stan**: Thanks a lot for nothing Roger! We might've been able to stop this through pre-emptive church counseling and spanking. And ice! Then heat later.  
**Klaus**: BTW, why the heck are you wearing that Pharaoh's headdress anyway?  
**Roger**: Thanks for asking that, Klaus—even though it wouldn't have killed you to be polite and ask earlier. People, I have decided that I no longer want to see Steve dead;_ I_ want to die!  
**Stan**: …(_**Deadpanned**_) I think I just had an orgasm.  
**Francine**: Y'see Roger, this is your problem; you never see your projects through to the end. Pretty soon you'll change your mind again and say that it's Klaus that you want dead.  
**Roger**: No, I won't! Besides, I've learned that death is glamorous! People will come far and wide to offer totally deserved condolences while I party my ass off with my worldly possessions to the afterlife or paradise or whatever.  
**Stan**: As long as it's all Christian, then I don't care.  
**Roger**: Not really. You'd have to seal me in a pyramid tomb with all my concubines. But I'm sure Jesus would be okay with it and happy for me. He'd want me to have what he couldn't in _his_ grave.  
**Stan**: This sounds like it's gonna be pointless and expensive…  
**Roger**: Did I mention I'll be dead?  
**Stan**: Get whatever you need. Now, we've wasted enough time, Francine. Let's go get Hayley and do whatever parents do to their kids when they commit incest.  
**Francine**: Flick across the wrist?  
**Stan**: Really? I don't know; that sounds kinda harsh…  
**Roger**: Guys, Hayley's not here. She went out a while ago…guess I shoulda mentioned that too, huh?  
**Stan**: Hurry up and die! Francine, you stay here and wait incase either of them comes back; I'll go look around the neighborhood. (_He rushes out_)  
**Roger**: (_Follows Stan_) Wait! I need to drop by the store and pick up some embalming fluid! (_He leaves only Francine and Klaus_)  
**Klaus**: …Want to watch E! and make fun of fat celebrities while insulting the skinny ones?  
**Francine**: (_**Excitedly**_) Ooo, fun! I'll make popcorn! (_Picks up Klaus fishbowl and leaves_)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx 


	4. I'll love you if you incest chapter 4

[**EXT**: _**Barry's house**_]  
[**INT**: _**Barry is taking Steve into his room**_]

**Steve**: Thanks for letting me stay over at your house, Beri  
**Barry**: No problem. Glad I could help.  
**Steve**: I would've stayed with Snot but his mom said that a pair of glasses on a guy that's not Jewish really freaks her out.  
**Barry**: They are kind of disconcerting. What about Toshi?  
**Steve**: His grandmother was there and she said that I couldn't stay…or she said I could; I don't really understand Japanese.  
**Barry**: I thought that Toshi was Mexican. I kinda called him an unpatriotic bastard for not celebrating synco-de-mayo.  
**Steve**: My dad says that racism is okay when it leads to a hilarious situation.  
**Barry**: Anyway, you can stay in my parents' closet for the mean time.  
**Steve**: Your parents' closet?  
**Barry**: Yeah, but sometimes my mom brings home men that she wants to help so she makes them stay in there. But don't tell my dad cuz she doesn't want him to worry.  
**Steve**: …I 'm just gonna go (_He walks away_)  
**Barry**: Wait! Sharing it isn't so bad! I mean, yeah the guy in the closet is usually naked but you could get naked to make him comfortable!

(_**Steve is walking along the sidewalks of his neighborhood**_**)**  
**Steve**: Crap, I've got nowhere to go…wait, I know! I'll go to grandma and grandpa's!...but wait they could be having sex or doing something else weird when I get there…which would be very awkward…nah, I won't go there. Man, I'm gonna try to make it as a runaway and I'm not even a hot Texan girl who can resort to porn.  
(_**Just then Hayley drives by and parks, coming out and facing Steve**_)  
**Steve**: What? Hayley!  
**Hayley**: (_**Angrily**_) Are you trying to ditch me Steve?  
**Steve**: What? No, I was going to just…just run away from you and never come back but I would never ditch you, no matter what.  
**Hayley**: Do you know what women do to guys who leave their love unrequited?  
**Steve**: No...?  
**Hayley**: They crush their souls, giving them no reason to live, making them crave death.  
**Steve**: Wait, we're gonna get married?  
**Hayley**: Actually I meant torturing you slowly but you're right, marriage is so much worse.  
**Steve**: You'll never take me alive!...But please, try to (_Hayley brings out a tranquilizer gun and then shoots Steve before he can runaway_)  
**Hayley**: Good thing steve is pathologically afraid of needles, I couldn't afford any tranquilizer. Guess shooting the empties at him worked though…who am I explaining this to?

(_**Stan and Roger are cruising through the neighborhood slowly, looking out for Steve**_)  
**Stan**: Steve! Steve! Steve!  
**Roger**: Ok, just to be sure, are we trying to pick up random male hooker whose name is Steve or are we still looking for ginger haired nerd Steve? Cuz to be honest, I can't help you with the second one  
**Stan**: Dammit! He could be anywhere.  
**Roger**: Way to narrow it down Cagney!  
**Stan**: What? "Cagney"? There is no way that I'm letting you be 'Lacey'!  
**Roger**: Sorry, I'm Cagney; you're Lacey, I called it.  
**Stan**: No! I wanted to be Lacey!  
**Roger**: Are you seriously gonna deprive a dying alien of a chance to be a plain looking detective?...see, now you have to let me cuz I played the 'dying' card. Damn thing works like magic. (_Stan is about to retort when he sees Hayley putting Steve in the trunk of a car_)  
**Stan**: Oh my God look it's him!  
**Roger**: Ewww, that's pretty gross. I mean, that's the hooker you wanna pick up? He looks like your son Steve.  
**Stan**: Crap she's abducting him!  
(_**Hayley recognizes them and gets into her car with Stan following in hot pursuit**_**)**  
**Stan**: Oh God she hotwired a car? I knew we shouldn't have sent her to hotwire camp when she was little.  
(_**Hayley's speed makes her run over somebody—who turns out to be Hugh Jackman. While he's still relieved over the fact that he survived, Stan and Roger come and run him over—and after a while, reverse back over it**_)  
**Stan**: I mean he's just way too awesome to not be a douchebag.  
**Roger**: I know, right?  
(_**After chasing Hayley a good distance she finally stops close to a cliff, gets out of the car and takes an awake Steve out of the trunk. Stan and Roger stop too, get out of their car and run closer to Hayley who has gotten near to the edge**_)  
**Hayley**: Don't come any closer! Or I swear, I'll throw him off! If I can't have him no one can!  
**Stan**: C'mon Hayley, don't do this!  
**Roger**: …I swear to God, I had no idea that Langley had such a dramatic looking cliff.  
**Steve**: I can't believe you put me in the trunk Hayley. I'll never look at Eminem's video of "Stan" the same way again!  
**Stan**: The name of that song is "Stan"? I always that thought its name was "Me".  
**Hayley**: Okay, I gotta ask: why the hell is Roger wearing a pharaoh's headdress.  
**Stan**: Oh he wants to die and go to paradise which as Christian I ironically think is stupid.  
**Steve**: So it is true! My life is like the Oedipus Rex! I'm marrying my mother figure and my father figure is dying!  
**Hayley**: You see me as your mother figure? That is creepy.  
**Steve**: Said the girl in love with her brother.  
**Hayley**: Touché  
**Stan**: (_Brings out a gun_) Hayley don't make me use this You're kidnapping a minor against his will. That's a felony! And you're going to solicit sex from him…which is gross. And also a felony!...but mostly gross.  
**Hayley**: You wouldn't shoot your own daughter would you?  
**Stan**: …No.  
**Roger**: Ugh, how cliché!  
**Stan**: (_**Whiney**_) C'mon, you didn't let me finish with what I was going to do! It was gonna be cool!  
**Roger**: Fine, fine. (_To himself_) This is why you're Cagney.  
(_**Stan shoots the gun, but it turns out to be a tranquilizer gun, which makes Hayley fall to the ground unconscious. Stan and Roger rush over to them and Steve checks to see if she's okay**_.)  
**Stan**: Don't worry; she's just tranq-ed. It's a gun that the CIA invented that looks exactly like a normal pistol and the tranquilizer can knock out a person in seconds.  
**Roger**: ..What?  
**Stan**: Yeah, I'm sorry. I thought that I could do that "explaining/exposition" thing and it would be normal but it still sounded weird and forced  
**Steve**: Totally. Thanks for saving me though Dad. The cliff seems really high.  
**Stan**: Yeah I heard this rumor a long time ago about there being dead cartoon characters at the bottom.

[**EXT**: _**The CIA headquarters in Langley**_]  
[**INT**: _**Stan is in director Bullock's office**_]  
**Stan**: So you're saying that the effects won't fade away  
**Bullock**: Initially, the boys in the lab wanted to make it so that it would, but changed their minds cuz they didn't want it to fit as a probable plot device.  
**Stan**: So there's nothing that we can do?  
**Bullock**: I'm afraid not, Smith.  
**Stan**: Wait, sir…I may just have an idea!  
(_**Stan and Steve are in the room where they wipe memories and Hayley is lying down while the scientist in charge is going on with the process**_)  
**Scientist**: So, I guess your son got with this girl as well. You must be very proud.  
**Stan**: She's his SISTER!...but yeah, I'm a little proud.  
**Steve**: How much memory are you erasing?  
**Stan**: She'll wake up and it'll be the day before you two started fighting. Your old man's pretty clever huh?  
**Steve**: What about Roger? He still wants to off himself?  
**Stan**: Nah, he got distracted.

(_**Klouse and Roger are behind a wooden stand that leads to a curtain with a dead Hugh Jackman, and the sign on the stand says "Kiss a dead Hugh Jackman. $50" and there is queue of women and men waiting their turn**_)  
**Roger**: Come one, come all! Come lock lips with one of America's favorite actors before his dead body starts to rot! Grope while you kiss for only ten extra bucks!  
**Klouse**: So, I guess you're not doing the pharaohs mummification thing anymore, hmm?  
**Roger**: …what the hell…are you talking about?  
**Customer**: (_Brings out three bills and leans closer_) Here's three hundred dollars. Is that enough for some alone time with Hugh in a backroom?  
**Roger**: What? NO! As it is, this in itself is obliviously disgusting! He's dead you freak!  
**Klouse**: Security! (_Francine then comes over wearing a uniform and glasses_)  
**Francine**: Come with me sir, let me confront you inside where my tools are (_She leads the scared man away_)

END


End file.
